Art of confession

Recent statistics has shown that men tell more lies than women but while the former take the lead in terms of ‘quantity’, the latter can’t be won over or underestimated when it comes to ‘quality’. When people are asked about their dislikes and I hear them mention ‘lies’ as one of them, I’d be like ‘really? Because you just did.’

In my opinion, everybody lies, for different reasons though, especially in a relationship. Some for good reasons and some for bad. However, a lie is a lie irrespective of the reason or motive. There are two categories of lies:
1) Necessary lies/White lie
2) Blatant lies/Real lies

Necessary lies are those told out of compulsion to protect either yourself or the recipients from the hurt of reality. This kind of lies are usually harmless and told for purposes that speaks more for the recipient than the ‘liar’ (teller). They’re mostly selfless. Take for instance, having to tell an ugly friend she’s pretty when asked, is a necessary and healthy lie, as you have succeeded in:
A. Fueling her self esteem and helping the human race create another self-confident person which is good for development.
B. Ridding yourself off loosing a friend and gaining an additional enemy. Trust me, the world is full of people wanting to bring you down and you don’t wanna add someone new to the list (crew).

Real lies on the other hand are told for selfish reasons of protecting one’s self and are usually kept secret for security or peace keeping purposes.

Apparently, men tend to do much of the white lies than the other OR should I say women are smart enough to depict their men’s lies while they pretend to believe it. Considering they’re fairly judged and the societal norm favors their act in terms of condemnation. They hardly feel guilt, at least not enough in quantity to make them wanna spill. So should your man decides to come clean of his lies and sins out of his own goodwill without being caught, you should throw him a party and celebrate his holiness with/in grace (lol).

Women on the other hand, tend to fall in both categories of lies, with the latter higher than the former, the quality of lies told by women can’t be undermined. The fact that they’re harshly judged by the society makes it easier to tell these lies and keep secrets way more than men. This factor thus encourages them to let it remain a secret for ‘forever’ unless when caught or the truth unveils. So, if your woman decides to come clean to you about the; lies she’s told, sins she’s committed, secrets she has buried, there is need to cut her some slacks and be more understanding in such situation, no matter the weight or depth of the lies. WHY??

Coming out clean is an art of confession which indicates the admission or acknowledgment of her wrong as well as her guilt of the crime. It shows her bitterness, her remorseful state and willingness to turn a new leave. It’s a noble act in the world of secrets, especially that of women in a society where they are easily judged or condemned, treat it as an honor that its actually is. It means she has come to terms with her obligation to be the woman she ought to be with you. It’s a bold step that requires lot of courage and determination for execution, considering what is at stake. Such a giant step by a truth toddler needs a bit of encouragement in other to keep threading the path of truth. Rejection will never make such feet firm.

I know no form of lie is justifiable but you’d agree with me that some are acceptable while others are forgivable.

What lies behind those lies she told, either selfish or selfless, is a strong emotions that led to the fear of loosing or hurting what she considers very dear -YOU.

And that ‘You’,have the right to be angry but also the choice to forgive and the chance to give it another shot. You won’t only be forgiving, but also, giving more room for her to share with you her darkest secrets.

Besides, A woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets,only a wise man can swim through.

@mildbutwild3

Mildbutwild@ymail.com

The Unnoticed Phase

I’ve been following this blog for a while and I must say, I’m very impressed with the write-ups I’ve seen so far. So I decided to add a bit of my “Teas and Crabs” but I’m going to make it brief so as not to bore you.

When I got deployed to the NYSC orientation camp in Delta, I met this dude who offered to charge my phone at his stall for ₦50 and I took up the offer for one reason – he was a nice guy or so I thought & coupled with the way he talks, I chose him to charge my phones despite the availability of other cheaper offers than his. The fact that I didn’t have to go to his shop to charge or collect the phone made the choice easier. All I needed to do was call him to come pick up/drop my phones as the case may be. He’d drop one when charged and take the other to his stall to charge.

This transaction went on till he was assured of my customer advocacy and that was when the problem began. He started coming late to pick/drop my phones with obvious reluctance loud enough to hear in his tone of voice. Acting nonchalantly as if I asked him to bring his life for me to keep. Sometimes, he’d bring it later than expected while other times he wouldn’t until I go collect it myself.

It was then it occurred to me that it was how he treated his “customers”. Getting on his best attitude to entice them, only to return to his true self afterwards. Being a gentleman that I am though, I gave him a few more chances to redeem himself before I finally stopped the transaction with him but with someone else.

However, this event might seem normal but remained to me an eye opener towards the mistakes I have or must have made in the past and an answer as to why some of my relationships failed.

I’ve had girlfriends tell me “this is not the Teas that I met” in tones that showed they liked the Teas I was than the next guy I had become and the line kept playing on my mind, making me wonder what exactly went wrong but now the reason is clear. It is because I’ve always been on my “best behaviour” in order to draw “customers” to “my shop” just like the camp guy and then after getting the “customers”, I switch off the game.

The camp experience helped me figure it all out. So, I leave you too to try to figure out what I figured out. (Laughing) I’ve repeated the words “figured out” so much that it should count as a “figure of speech” but let me play the cool guy and fill you in by using guys as example.

When you meet a girl and you act in one particular way, let’s say confident, cocky, funny, playful or you abuse her a lil and after a while you start dating and you discard the attributes she knew/met you with. You cannot expect the relationship to be the same, it is going to end up like the sunken Titanic. Asking why? It’s simple!

Think about everyone you like at the moment, try to picture their faces in your head, now single out their faces and think about why you like each one of them.. We all have reasons for liking everyone we like/interact with; once you understand that, you’ll realize that the girl didn’t start to date you just because you are likable but because she sees some qualities in you that she likes (could be your height, your money, your sense of humour et al) and it is only natural for her to lose some (if not all) of her interests in you when you lose those attributes.

You have to keep the core of who you are. If you don’t compliment her before you started dating, don’t flood her with compliments after just because you read that girls love it (that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t compliment her at all) but have it in mind that moderation and being smart is key. And if you were the cool, romantic gentleman before you started dating, don’t expect her emotions to remain the same when you switch to a “freestyle mode” unless of course you know what attributes she likes in you. That is the condition that permits you to change other things while keeping those attributes she likes and still own her heart.

It is good to be a better man for your woman but never confuse being a better man with being a new man.

And for the lucky folks that have girls that like them for their money, here’s one piece of advice for you, “Keep making money”. If you think she’ll stick to you when you run down, you might end up mistaken.

That’s that. I’ll be back soon…
Stay safe!

Teas.
You can hit me up on twitter @ThaTeaser

Transition

Over the years, a number of things have changed in the Africa of today. One of which is our cultural practices and the beliefs with regards to women and men as well as the gender ascribed roles to both sexes and the likes. These changes over time have resulted in confusion of good and bad with respect to the ladies most especially.

Decades ago, females were renowned assets, properly brought up as the pride of every parent to fit the expectations of a good woman. The new trend is that good girls turn out bad and the naughty ones end up smart. Of course, such is expected in a society with bizarre understanding of the words ‘good girls’. How do I mean?

Not less than 15 – 30 years ago, the trend was different. Parents wanted their daughters to get married to a good and responsible man. Reason being that ‘good girls’ weren’t hard to find as it was a norm for a girl to be good; therefore their qualities hardly doubted. Males on the other hand earned the doubts and questioning but nowadays, it is the other way round as it is the parents wanting a good lady for their sons as a result of cultural changes we’ve experienced overtime. Now, who are the good girls?

We’ve seen ladies being judged as good or bad based on their sex history and/or their career achievement/position. These further question if those measures are dependable!

There are three categories of girls, the good, the smart and the weary.

The weary are the exhausted girls also known as ‘sex workers’. They have made it a profession for one justified reason or the other. Yes, justified because if asked, they all have their individual reasons no matter how stupid or absurd some may sound.

The ‘smart’ are the calculating ones who know the deal right from scratch hence they prepare a laid down plan and process as to how to achieve success. They are those seen occupying high positions in their chosen field/career at an extremely tender age. They deal with 3 titles of men (sometimes rolled in one);
1.The Finance
2.The Intellect
3.The Future

The Finance is usually a rich man mostly married. The one who handles the bill, ready to spend with less commitments, conditions and requirements – ‘Rich Alhaji’ is the slang.

The Intellect is the wise and sound one, extremely creative and inspiring with lots of innovative ideas, willing and ready to help one grow intellectually. Usually a self-motivated person who pushes her to glory thereby aiding a career boom.

The Future is the bomb. The man that can be called ‘the one’ who has what it takes to feature in the future. A prospective husband material worth spending ‘forever’ with.

The good girl on the other hand moves like a snail, never in a hurry, taking it one step at a time by doing what is right or permit me to say, what is considered to be right in the African society. They date for love with all dedications and energy channeled in each relationship alongside her high expectations but it doesn’t take long for them to realize life isn’t a fairy tale and all those stories of princesses and princes that says ‘happily ever after’ only exist in cartoons. They succeed series of heartbreaks before finally finding ‘the one’.

In the end, we realize the ‘weary’ girls are who they are for some pardonable reasons (some of them) and the ‘smart’ girls have dated fewer numbers of men (average of 3 – 4) than the ‘good’ girls. So, if one of the major qualities of a good girl is her sex history and not who/what she truly stands for and represents, then I can’t help but ask myself in the end, who then is a good girl and who should be tagged a whore?!

Even though we cannot totally rule out this for the humans that we are, girls shouldn’t be defined by their past, sexual history or career positions. Who they are and what they represent should be focused on as these are delicate titles that ought to be accredited with all fairness as to who a girl truly is.

Her mistakes are lessons learnt,judge her not with it.

@mildbutwild3

Waving the Peace Flag

There are a million words behind her silence, make her spit it out.

In relationships, it is a known fact that women like to talk about what they feel when they feel it. They like to complain when things aren’t right, to ask questions again and again even if they were certain of the answers. To have chitchats all night despite having nothing to say. Just wanting to be heard, even if they have no point. Wanting you to talk about things they crave hearing, like how much you love or miss them, how glad you are/feel that you met them, how grateful you are for having them (even though they are fully aware of it).

These could be annoying and tasking for most men, especially the busy ones with lot of dedications, who expect their partners to see how they feel irrespective of their busy-ness. It is just a simple need of assurance, of security, the need to feel needed, to feel special & important to a rare gem. SADLY, nobody has a perfect relationship and there are/will always be days that you argue and fight but the moment your woman is all quiet, not speaking, not questioning or arguing like she used to, be rest assured she is most likely raising the *PEACE FLAG*.

Peace flag sounds like a cool thing, who wouldn’t think it is? Considering the magnitude of the word peace behind it, but is it a cool thing for relationships to grow? I’ll say yes, it could be but no, it is not.

‘Peace flag’ as used in ancient times to avoid wars or stop an on-going war in the form of “white flag” is an act of submission which involves giving in to somebody, something or a situation. It is a flat or truce/surrender. It is good because it helps to avoid unnecessary quarrels in relationships as well as resolve matters quickly however, the implication of the PEACE FLAG in relationships can’t be overrated.

Raising the P flag is like cleaning up a freshly deep cut with treatment without tending a stitch. Not only will another bruise reopen it, it also could get infected. It involves letting topics/mistakes slide under the carpet in other to avoid arguments for the moment. It could be to avoid being called a nag but it sure is neither forgotten nor forgiven. It stays right there in the heart for continuous growth and spreads like cancer.

There is need to note that a relationship isn’t a war zone. It is all about having a partner who is willing to WIPE your tears and HOLD your hands despite a fight. A partner who will not walk away from you no matter how rough/ difficult things get and to achieve this, there is need to not only take note of the ‘peace flag’ but also ensure it’s never raised/used as a medium of resolution.

The peace on the flag isn’t real, it isn’t surrendering in solemn agreement/defeat but it is retreating to fight another day with a better weapon (past unsettled mistakes) in hand.

So don’t be deceived by that peace flag, there are a million words behind the silence, make her spit it out!

@Mildbutwild3

HELP!

In time past I have watched home videos for just one reason;to criticize the script or mock the story. I’d laugh at their acting and sight their mistakes at one quick glance. I could even guess or complete the story from the first scene. I hardly praised any or believed their drama till I found myself acting one, and to my surprise I can’t predict the outcome of my very own movie.

Forgive me, I can’t share my name due to the situation but Friends call me ‘Mayor’~’The acting Mayor of Lagos’ as they hail. A mere title it remained till I found myself ‘acting’ a home video. The script must have started at a time in August when I proposed to my fiancé on her birthday. The ring was placed on her birthday cake. I was on my knees in the presence of her colleagues when it was presented. It was a scene to remember as I had rehearsed the moment over and over again before boarding the Aero afternoon flight from Lagos that faithful day.

And YES, I got a ‘yes’. In mixed emotion of surprise and happiness, she called her bestie “I got the ring, he proposed”, she said in a voice filled with happiness.

Our introduction followed in October and right there the wedding date was chosen. I guess it became all real to my bride-to-be and that was when the trouble started. She felt more obligated to take care of me as her man but the distance involved in doing that in person wasn’t friendly. She would call up her bestie (who was also based in lagos) to check on me from time to time and cook for me on certain occasions, mostly on weekends. Of course, eating out had become tiring hence I had no problem with the arrangement as long as they were cool with it. Everything went well and easy for a month or thereabout as she would come cook, spend little time and leave. Later, she began coming each time with a chilled bottle of wine– my favourite I must confess – and for the first time we acted human, I’d rather say devilish. We had sex and it was on a Saturday, a Sabbath day, a day to be kept holy, instead I sinned and let it get the better of me. A nasty experience it was as we weren’t even protected and I did feel guilty and stood to clean up.

For 10 minutes, I stood right there in shower ashamed of what had transpired and confused at the same time of what to do. Finally, I summoned the courage to address the situation but to my surprise I entered the living room where I had left her barely nude only to find her fully naked. I left her with her cloth still on but came out of the bathroom to meet her stark naked. As if that wasn’t enough, she stood for me to have a clearer and vivid view of what I never imagined. Apparently, I was the sorry one in this situation wondering how long a man could resist a lady (especially someone you have been deeply intimate with before) with her naked body approaching and pressing against his hard manliness.

I wish I could say it was the first and last but it wasn’t, it went on for more than a month before we finally put a stop. Afterwards, we went ahead with life like nothing happened, though we couldn’t avoid seeing as she was the Chief bride’s maid. I managed to control the situation and come to terms with my conscience until the devil resurfaced 3weeks ago when she called to tell me she was 3 months gone – ‘Pregnant!’.

How could this be? (Yes, what a stupid question to ask knowing what had ensued, right?)

We agreed to see and I invited my friends over to help resolve the issue.

“Whatever you want me to do to the pregnancy I will do, just say what you want”, she stated.

My stance was clear, “I want it aborted”, promising to get her the best treatment at a standard hospital and she agreed only for the story to change 2 days later, claiming she couldn’t and wouldn’t risk her life by going through with the abortion. I have begged, pleaded and done all that is necessary to have her change her mind but she wouldn’t. To make matters worse, she’s nowhere to be found. She moved out of her apartment and all she does is call to remind me of our, or better still, my predicament.

My wedding is less than a month away; I love my woman and want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her, in her arms, in her love. I am frustrated. I have been spending my nights in a bar getting desperate by the day. I know I have sinned but save me from myself, I need help ASAP.

What’s the way to go?