Satisfied or Overthrown

Usually, lesser attention is paid to some important issues in or after marriage. Basically, no one is to be blamed in such a long term union and considering the reality involved in living together for a long time most times regarded as eternity or forever, it is only expected of us to unconsciously take for granted what we would/could have ordinarily taken seriously in a controlled environment. Take for example, what intrigues your spouse, what startles him/her, what s/he wants and the likes of it.

When married, it becomes harder for desires to be expressed when overtime in some cases it became easier for such desires to be misunderstood or misinterpreted or not recognized by one’s self/spouse. This case is rampant with marriages due to the divided attention of spouses on “other important” marital responsibilities such as children, shelter and food.

However, our desire changes as we grow older and such changing desires are easier dealt with while living single than later. Desires don’t have a long life span as when it is unachievable, it becomes a mere fantasy and stays as a dream. As a result of this, desires tend to remain wishful thinking/demand till it is achieved,outgrown/overthrown by another rising and pressing desire. So, there is always a need to move along and stay updated with your spouse’s changing desire. How then do you discover your spouse’s changing desires?

In the middle of owning a career alongside marital responsibilities, people find it extremely difficult if not impossible to outrightly share with or tell their partners what they desire. Therefore, to detect your spouse’s changing desire and move along its trend, you will have to directly pay towards your spouse, an ‘indirect attention’. How is this achieved?

Numerous are the ways to achieve the above but the most tested and trusted method of all time to discover your spouse’s changing desires is – LISTENING. (Very simple and inexpensive)

Most of the topics chosen by your spouse for discussion aren’t accidental but deliberate. These AOC shows where his/her interest lies and by listening, you’ll be able to uncover his/her school of thought.

Know that when your spouse chooses to discuss events of the day at work or share a gist and give updates about a friend with you, it’s mostly not for fun but definitely because something in the choice of topic describes the desires/wishes and further expresses the stand for or against the theme of discussion. This discovery won’t only help figure out your spouse’s burning desires but also, shall enable you the ability to help attain such desire which in turn strengthens the life span of a good relationship and healthy marriage. Also, it helps curb the need to search for matching interests (like minds) to relate with outside the marriage as well as reducing the boredom of having to do the same things repeatedly which usually results in marital problems.

Successive unattainable desires lead to psychological defeat and frustration. Making people nurture the idea/desire of wanting out of commitment.

Satisfied or overthrown, your desires of yesterday aren’t the same as today’s and that of today surely won’t remain a pressing desire for long.

Change they say is constant in life but changing along with change isn’t only the true essence of living but also an evidence of fulfillment. Help your spouse own a fulfilled life.

Mildbutwild@ymail.com
@mildbutwild3

QnA

Dear MBW, my dad is having an affair with his secretary, a secret my mom is yet to discover. I love my family but after seeing what divorce did to my best friend, I don’t want to experience such. I don’t have the power to stop the affair neither am I brave enough to tell my mom. What do I do?

»»Reply
Dearest, I’m not going to pretend this is strange in africa or any other part of the world but how it’s handled determines whether the situation goes away or consumes the family. You are going to have to confront your dad about it and take him on the ‘guilt trip’. Nothing to be rude about,just put it out on the table there for him to know you’re aware of the situation and its time to stop. It might not be so easy considering very few children in this part of the world are free enough to confront their fathers. No need to be aggressive about it either,just remind him of the possible consequences of his actions. Yes ‘remind’ because he’s aware of it all but sometimes, fathers have to be reminded of what they own/stand to loose. If he doesn’t adhere,the you should tell people he respects to talk to him e.g your church pastors, your grand parents, his relatives et al till he changes.
Most importantly, pray as hard as you can because its only God that holds a family together.

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Dear MBW, I’m a 26 year old pretty lady and a graduate as well. The difficulty has been my inability to secure a job since I got my NYSC certificate but I haven’t stopped trying and have remained hopeful. Now my fiancé says he is ready to settle down and I am not. I don’t want to lose him but I don’t intend to marry broke as well. Need your help!

»»Reply
I understand honey. Most ladies don’t want to marry broke anymore and you’re right on track not to want to either but you are going to need to use one of the most essential ingredients of a relationship; Communication. You need to explain to him why you need to get a job first and remind him of how it pays in a marriage for a woman to be able to add atleast 5naira when your man drops 20naira and how you’d like to take part in the wedding expenses. Hovever,if your spouse is rich enough to sustain you both till you get a job,then you should go ahead with the marriage and a job would pop up later. You are 26 at the moment and looking for a job,if he’s buoyant enough to sustain you in the meantime then don’t make it worse by adding ‘a husband’ to the search list. Trust me there are many men out there but only a few of them are “husband
material”.

He could join you in the search to find you a job and make it quicker.
NB:Ensure this is discussed and your stand is made known. You can deal with it in his happy mood and make his favorite meal to help it sink.

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Dear MbW, my 7-yr-old daughter caught us (her parents) in bed while having sex. She was at my mom’s for the holidays and we weren’t informed of her proposed return because she wanted to surprise us but unfortunately, they had slept when we returned (as we weren’t home) and we didn’t check their room neither did we check the guest room to notice my younger brother who brought them home was there fast asleep. Since we weren’t expecting them home, she used the spare key we kept at a known place to gain access into the house. How do we explain to her what exactly she saw?

»»Reply
At a certain point in time, you are bound to teach her about sex and trust me, children know a lot about sex at a very tender age these days (No thanks to the computerized world and the social media).Your daughter catching you in bed doesn’t mean you should start giving her sex education early but the issue must be addressed. You can explain to her that what she saw is something adults do when they want to give birth to more babies and then give her reasonable reasons why she should never try it as a kid. Like ; whoever does that as a child won’t make heaven et al.

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Dear MbW, I have been cheating on my fiancé with a colleague at work for the past 2months. I have been good at ignoring the moral aspect of it and pretending it’s a norm till he proposed last weekend. Ever since, guilt has filled my heart so much that he could tell something isn’t right. I don’t want to walk down the aisle with secrets in my heart. My heart want to tell it all to him but my head keeps calling me names in mockery. Which should I listen to?

»»Reply
Did you read the “Art of Confession II” post? I think you should. The moral aspect would expect you to share but in reality,I don’t think it is reasonable for you to tell him unless he has a very high chance of finding out the truth by himself. Considering it wasn’t a one time thing, it was something you did continuosly for a while. Confessing would have made sense a lil if you were involved with your colleague just once, as “once can be regarded as a mistake”. Just break off your affair with your colleague at work, leave it in the past and pray that it doesnt resurface in future. Confessing to him might not make things better. If it makes you feel any better; your spouse has secrets too and if all secrets is exposed, there’ll be no happy relationship.

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Dear MbW, I have been a player for as long as I can remember before finally meeting someone special and I am currently planning to make her ‘the one’. Only for me to realize her elder sis was one of my numerous one night stand back in the days. She’s married now though but I can’t help the tension that rises between us each time we see. I am afraid she might tell her sister. I love my girl but her sister is a past I can’t re-write. Do I come clean or let it lie?

»»Reply
There are two factors you have to consider before confessing. Firstly, you have to consider the kind of person your partner is. Also,you have to check with your partner’s sister before confessing, as you are not the only one involved in it. Especially since her sister is married, you won’t want to cause a friction between them. So talk to the elder sister and you both can make the decision together. That way if she decides to let it lie, there’ll be no way your partner can find out but if you let it lie without checking with her, she might eventually tell your partner and that might lead to something bad. Worry less about her(Elder sister) spilling,she has a marriage to protect too
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ANSWERS PROVIDED BY
@fweshee And @Thateaser

Send your questions to
Mildbutwild@ymail.com
Always @ your service

The Departed

My grandma died at age 105, Old enough to be celebrated and not mourned. Of course we had to be grateful, not when I don’t even fall among the first 25 grand children, she truly was worthy of jubilation. That, we gathered to do until we watched her being sent on the 6ft journey, a journey of no return, that was when it dawned on us and we wailed. Children, grand children, neighbours and passersby.

Her breath might have recorded her death at age 105 but the grandma I knew had died 8yrs earlier when she lost one of her children to a fatal accident in 2002, that was when she stopped living.

Many of us give up living for breathing for reasons mostly attributed to the death of loved ones, making us mourn till we forget the pleasure that lies in moaning. Yes! The departed must have left in you a void no one else can fill, that being the reason why it’s hard to heal. However, we should work towards leaving such void in the life of those to be left behind and most importantly not ignore the message of death brought to us by the departed.

When death occurs, the body of the departed is all that is vivid, every other thing goes numb, voice inaudible as the soul still speaks but remain unheard by the living before finally leaving the body.

Via death, the departed do not only relay to us a message but also reminds us that we are mortal, nothing but dust. A mere fertilizer to growing crops perhaps. All the wealth, fame becomes nothing but manure to bring to life the dead ground. The ground we once ruled over, the same land we had manouvered with all audacity.

Death is an inevitable part of life, a destination we all share. A grand mystery experienced by all, the poor & powerful, the rich & humble. It is a debt we owe from the moment of birth, the suspense in its occurrence, the speed in its process and the wrongness of its timing, strikes without a warning. You can count on today but what happens tomorrow when you’re no more.

Grandma died ready, at a stage when death was all she awaited, a chance we all don’t equally share, not even those who has lived fully die happy. Some die way much younger, too young to even own a dream and others too old to live one, without any hint, leaving behind all they held dear. Yet, we mostly live like an immortal, forgetting it all ends one day when we embark on an unknown journey to the land of no return.

Everyone hopes to die fulfilled but fulfillment I must say is subjective, for some it’s all about the money, wealth, fame, family et al while for others it’s about the words they leave in the mouth of the people they left behind. I’ve seen people die young & never forgotten and people die old never remembered, at least not for good.

My point is- Every song ends but that is no reason not to enjoy the music. Yet we’ve heard songs survive changes by staying evergreen irrespective of change in era for obvious reasons; their LYRICS. So don’t just be a rhythm, be a song, don’t just be a song, be the music & not just any kind of music but the one whose lyrics won’t only survive the trend of time and remain unforgotten but live on in the heart of men.

Life slips away each day, hour and minute ticktock like an hourglass. What you ‘gon’ leave behind? What are you to be remembered by?

A man who lives fully is always prepared to die because of the life he leads. A life of fulfillment, placing his memories on the heart of men. That way, he won’t only live on but also conquer death.

What we’ve done for ourselves alone dies with us but what we’ve done for others and the world remains immortal ~Albert Pike

Life after death isn’t just about ‘the heaven’ we clamour but our memory in the heart of men.

@Mildbutwild3

Art of Confession II

Hey folks, told you all I’ll be back, didn’t I? (Hehehe)

I’m sure you read the article on ‘confession’ last week cos I did too and enjoyed it so much that I decided to put to practice the “art of confession”. So, I called a friend to confess kissing his “ex” but I didn’t get the confession appreciation as expected rather, I was scornfully asked the reason for telling which got me tongue-tied.

While lost in wonder of the scornful treatment, it came clearer to me that I deserved what I had gotten in response based on the fact that my motive for confessing was absolutely wrong. How do I mean? Well, there are 3 major possible motives behind any act of Confession, that is, one can only confess for 3 likely reasons;

1) To spite
2) To ease the burden
3) To apologize

The first is harsh and mostly applicable and or acceptable in a ‘payback’/karma situation. It is never used for positive agenda while the second is bearable but unacceptable as a positive outcome oriented confession.

Now, you will agree with me that the first two motives aren’t just selfish but inconsiderate and my earlier stated confession falls under the second category as the ‘ex’ in question now lives in Australia and they aren’t in touch anymore. Just like the title “ex”, there was no way my friend could have found out what I did neither was I ever suspected but there I was and with my friend at the other end of the phone, confessing to ease my conscience. A selfish act it was and I got served what I deserve.

As Evelyn Harper would say, “it is a very selfish thing to ease your conscience on your partner”. Yes, I just quoted a movie character but that doesn’t make the quote any less the truth. I’ve seen lots of people confess their wrongs especially to their partners so as to ease the burden off their conscience not considering the possible feelings of the “confessee” after the confession. You need to find the dy/dx while factoring the “risk and reward” of your confession into the equation (now I’m just showing off my knowledge of Economics)

Before a sentence, weigh what you stand to risk/lose by not confessing and the benefits you stand to gain by confessing before you take the action.

Also, you have to consider the current state of your relationship and the kind of person your partner is;

The sensitive type that little things get to?Someone with a history of violence?Your relationship is having serious trust issues? You have to consider these factors twice before you lose a tooth for your act (laughing). In any of the above cases, confessing your wrongs will not make the “ship” balanced. You can consider walking away as the ship might eventually sink/crash sooner than later.

Finally, never make the mistake of making your confession a GIST. Consider the information to be shared and how stupid it might be to share in details. Even if you are poor with summary, read books on summary to prepare your speech and don’t just prepare them, rehearse the life out of them. Don’t go ahead pouring out your heart by using words that could make matters worse. That happens only in movies as it is way different in reality{reason why they are called movies because everything is controlled}. ‘Anything worth doing at all is worth doing well’ and after every confession comes the questions. Pouring out your heart might put you on the back foot when the questions come.

I don’t need to remind you that you have to look sorry while confessing, right? And never blame your partner for the wrong you did as that will only show you’re trying to justify your actions and it also wouldn’t show your repentance.

If confession is your resort, prepare for it in act and consequences, as confession isn’t just an act, it’s an Art.

Till I’m back again, stay blessed.
I’m Teas.

Hit me up on twitter @ThaTeaser

You can scroll down to read the part1