The Devil I Know…..

Thinking of how old this adage could be & my take is that it’s definitely older than my forefathers. It’s one of those proverbs you must have heard as an African, probably the first my child will learn before age 10. 

Its popularity however can’t compete with its constant usage for emotional blackmail. Especially in delicate matters like Marriage. Oh! How it enslaved our mothers & constantly churned out nonchalant act out of our fathers. Yet it doesn’t end with their generation, the mission is to outlive us.

The exact reason you see a girlfriend playing the bonnie & Clyde role to a monster boyfriend. Her father was not different but mummy preferred the devil she knew & now daughter thinks it’s a norm. Thug loving they call it, a perfect word to describe an absolute madness. The other one turned out different. She just can’t stand being maltreated because daddy did it to mummy. Now she’s self disciplined on domestic violence, a walking baggage of rules. It’s just hard to see the good in anyone because she sees her father in every man.

The other gender isn’t any better. He just won’t get along with daddy because of what he did to mummy. That’s when it turned out right. On a negative note,  he becomes an asshole just like daddy & any woman who won’t be like mummy or withstand the torture isn’t a virtuous woman. So it’s already a cycle, passed on from one generation to the next. Yet we sing the adage like praise, as though it makes the world a better place. “Stick to the devil because you have his manual.”

The devil you know isn’t deserving but the angel you don’t isn’t an option either. Why spend your life choking on regret? 

Get up, Get out & find the Angel you can get know. It may turn out good or same But your happiness is worth the try……..

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Battlefield

When marriages turn sour and become a war front, it is WRONG and BIAS to tag anyone the ‘victor’ irrespective of the result. The price paid for such expensive war wouldn’t make it possible for the praises and existence of a martyr. The home becomes a battlefield, Parents the fighters and Children (if any) become the victims for a long time,just like in war fronts.

In wars, marital or country, children are the victims. Part of the reasons why products of broken homes are never hard to point. They are known for either;

1) Emotional excesses or
2) Emotional deficiency

The emotional sensitivity remains their cross to carry for the rest of their lives and can be noticed from a distance.

There are lot of reasons why a marriage can suddenly become a battlefied. Some justified, others avoidable but either ways, understanding that ‘Mom & Dad’ who were once emotionally desperate as well as qualified to be together and birth offspring can suddenly no longer pull it all together”, is much for children to handle at tender ages when life ought be a bed of roses. The insecurity that comes with such development doesn’t make it any easier to accept, thereby, making such victims vulnerable exhuding anger and depression.

So, when a marital relationship moves from bliss to doubts to fight, then to stress and pains, there is need to consider the potential victims before it turns into hate or life regret through memories that won’t heal. Because in marital wars, winning is as disastrous as losing and the battlefield never remains same afterwards. Neither can the rain bring back such grounds to life nor the sun be hot enough to dry the tears. No spring has ever succeeded in bringing such land back to its natural state. Atleast, not for the war victims who live on with huge scars in their souls.

I understand that ‘staying’ in some marriages is sometimes worse than ‘leaving’ but it is also important to note that nice people don’t necessarily fall in love with nice people. If you could do it once, then one more shot can hit the miracle of making it work again. Atleast for the sake of the kids.

Call it a mistake but you walked the aisle and took the sacred oath before those that mattered, pledged your allegiance through thick & thin. Blissful or not, you’ve had your moments and lived your life the way you chose with a childhood worth remembering. Don’t make them live theirs in your shadow.

The point is-No winners exist in marital wars. Victims of such injustice are the children. Your mistakes are yours and considering you brought them to this world, you owe them some life responsibilities.

So, ‘hang on’ or ‘move on’. It is not their war, don’t make them pay for it.

@mildbutwild3
On twitter

Satisfied or Overthrown

Usually, lesser attention is paid to some important issues in or after marriage. Basically, no one is to be blamed in such a long term union and considering the reality involved in living together for a long time most times regarded as eternity or forever, it is only expected of us to unconsciously take for granted what we would/could have ordinarily taken seriously in a controlled environment. Take for example, what intrigues your spouse, what startles him/her, what s/he wants and the likes of it.

When married, it becomes harder for desires to be expressed when overtime in some cases it became easier for such desires to be misunderstood or misinterpreted or not recognized by one’s self/spouse. This case is rampant with marriages due to the divided attention of spouses on “other important” marital responsibilities such as children, shelter and food.

However, our desire changes as we grow older and such changing desires are easier dealt with while living single than later. Desires don’t have a long life span as when it is unachievable, it becomes a mere fantasy and stays as a dream. As a result of this, desires tend to remain wishful thinking/demand till it is achieved,outgrown/overthrown by another rising and pressing desire. So, there is always a need to move along and stay updated with your spouse’s changing desire. How then do you discover your spouse’s changing desires?

In the middle of owning a career alongside marital responsibilities, people find it extremely difficult if not impossible to outrightly share with or tell their partners what they desire. Therefore, to detect your spouse’s changing desire and move along its trend, you will have to directly pay towards your spouse, an ‘indirect attention’. How is this achieved?

Numerous are the ways to achieve the above but the most tested and trusted method of all time to discover your spouse’s changing desires is – LISTENING. (Very simple and inexpensive)

Most of the topics chosen by your spouse for discussion aren’t accidental but deliberate. These AOC shows where his/her interest lies and by listening, you’ll be able to uncover his/her school of thought.

Know that when your spouse chooses to discuss events of the day at work or share a gist and give updates about a friend with you, it’s mostly not for fun but definitely because something in the choice of topic describes the desires/wishes and further expresses the stand for or against the theme of discussion. This discovery won’t only help figure out your spouse’s burning desires but also, shall enable you the ability to help attain such desire which in turn strengthens the life span of a good relationship and healthy marriage. Also, it helps curb the need to search for matching interests (like minds) to relate with outside the marriage as well as reducing the boredom of having to do the same things repeatedly which usually results in marital problems.

Successive unattainable desires lead to psychological defeat and frustration. Making people nurture the idea/desire of wanting out of commitment.

Satisfied or overthrown, your desires of yesterday aren’t the same as today’s and that of today surely won’t remain a pressing desire for long.

Change they say is constant in life but changing along with change isn’t only the true essence of living but also an evidence of fulfillment. Help your spouse own a fulfilled life.

Mildbutwild@ymail.com
@mildbutwild3